I Never Knew What I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

Posted: 8 February, 2019 in Aging, Depression, Despair, Family
Tags: ,

And I Still Don’t Know

Sometimes my darkest moments give me my greatest ideas. But because the Dementors have taken hold of my spirit, I can’t act on those ideas right away.

So I do the next best thing: I write myself a note with the basic theme of the idea. Later, when the sun returns and dissipates the fog of depression, I can review my notes and decide if any of them are worth exploring further.

This is One of Those Ideas

I’m 68 years old; in 5 months I’ll be 69. It will be time once more for me to write a big fat 0 (zero) after my age. The eternal Footman will be one step closer to holding my coat.

What have I got to show for my life? For what will I be remembered by future generations of my family?

Will I be remembered at all?

Will they remember that I was a loving parent who adored her children and grandchildren? That the loss of a beloved pet some 35 years ago even today haunts me?

Or will they curse my name for the accursed genetic heritage with which I have bequeathed — nay, cursed — them?

For that’s the one constant in my bloodline: chronic depression.

And Yet…

My daughters and my grandsons are my legacy, and my inspiration. I am Transgender, and so is my grandson. It is for them that I continue to live, continue to believe that without them I would have long since yielded to The Big Sleep.

Because there are statistics that tell me that children of suicides are far more likely to kill themselves.

And I will not do that to my girls.

“Thus conscience does make cowards of us all.” Hamlet, Act III, Scene i.

If you’ve never felt the cold winds of Depression (with a capital D) blow over you, then you can’t understand that “[y]ou don’t have one problem or problems you are sad about, there is only sadness.” (Source)

And I’m also comforted by something I read on the internet years ago:

So nanny, nanny, boo-boo! I am Officially Exempt™ from having to grow up. And to celebrate, I might just go out and order a Happy Meal!

  1. Lee Buck says:

    We in Western culture don’t see many trans elders, and some of that is because society has made lives of older generations so much harder to live as their true selves. I super started crying when I read that you’re trans, as I often feel too old to be “really” trans myself. (This is poison, and I don’t believe it really, but some days…) So thank you for this post. I was feeling really awful (lol, it’s the flu, honest), but this gave me something to feel warmly towards today.

    Depression is an awful beast, and I have enjoyed the posts you’ve made since I found your blog, so thank you for fighting the fight to stay with us. Also – forget growing up! I hope you found something fabulous and frivolous to do and hope you’re feeling better soon.